Well hi there folks!  John and Susy Patterson (lovebiking!) here!!!  The interwebmaster Mr. Chamois invited us to chime in and give our 2 cents (no that that's worth what it used to be, is it!!!) on all the goofing around on the group rides lately.  Apparently, some of you young ones are getting jiggy with it on your bikes during these rides and making some fellow riders downright nervous!!!

 Well, we're here to remind you that bicycling is supposed to be fun, that's F-U-N with a capital F, and we should know!!!

But it's also supposed to be safe, that's S-A-F-E, with a capital S, and it's no coincidence that S is also the first letter in S-T-O-P and S-L-O-W D-O-W-N! 

When things get fast and crazy, as our nephew Rick Wags has proved time and time again, people get HURT and get funny diseases in strange places!  So John (I call him Johnny!) and I are here to remind you of a few ways YOU can keep your derriere SAFE on your next group ride. 

1. Please do not ride those crazy bikes with those skinny tires and all those crazy gears!!!  All those fancy parts just make you want to do crazy things - and don't think we don't know it!  We were young once (not too long ago!) and remember what straddling a hot little number can make you do - so just take it easy buster!!!  Plus, they're not safe on the bike path, oops, thats number 2!!!
   
   
2. Please keep the group on the sidewalk or bike path!!!  The road is meant for cars, not bikes, fellow cyclists!!!  Why do you think they have all those stoplights and lines in the road?  Guess what, kiddos? For cars!!!  Remember to ride on the path or sidewalk - and hey! - watch out for walkers and joggers - they have rights, too! 
   
   
3. Please don't go fast!!!  I don't think we really even need to explain that one, do we!  Johnny here says that you might just need some time with a shrink if you don't get that one!
   
   
4. Please don't bring too many friends!!!  Inserting your little group into a whole group of riders is kind of like showing up to Friday night bridge without being invited - and without bringing any dip!!!  This is a double no-no, as your should remain a separate group. I remember last year Harry brought some of his shuffleboard friends to a ride with Johnny's golf buddies and let's just say it wasn't pretty!  And joining our ride when we were already petered out after going around the lake twice!!! That's not fair, and it's not NICE!!!
   
   
5. Please don't sneak up on the group at some corner or behind the golf shack or pool house!  Sally Ann nearly caused me to have a heart-attack with her sneaky little way of cruising down the hill from the gym, and it wasn't nice!!   This should be self-evident! (And if you're reading this, I'm still mad at you, Sally!)
   
   
6. And last, but most important, do not show join the group if you can't be nice!!! We're all out here to have some fun, meet some new people, and enjoy the sunshine!  This means if you're going to ride fast, forgot your dentures and can't chat, or are going to ride like a bat out of hell, well then stay home, it won't be fun for anyone!!!  And you must  maintain that speed and merge smoothly into the receding line of riders, DUH, as my (dull) nephew Ricky Wags would say.  What's the fun of going so hard and so fast that it hurts? Answer - it's not fun!!!   Some things - like grown men shaving their legs - are best left to those crazy riders we saw on our trip to France last year!  (Yes Sally, we really did see men with shaved legs!!!)
   

So safe riding everyone, see you out there soon!!!

John and Susy Patterson (love biking!!!) 

As many of you know, Battley Harley-Davidson is a home-grown elite cycling program that devotes all of its meager resources to its riders. The sponsors are too cheap to sign a real coach, or spring for some performance testing, but they did agree to outsource coaching advice to a call center in Inida. This is the first in a series from Sanjay Vijay, who is in no way certified to discuss or dispense advice on race tactics, but who will merrily do so for pocket change. If you like Sanjay's contributions, be sure to let him know in the Comments section, and, for .10 cents, he may get back to you!

 

Sanjay's Ten Tips for Time Trialing for Mr. Chuck
By Sanjay Vijay
Delhi Hello! Call Center
New Delhi, India
Assisting Mr. Harley Davidson's Team

Hello Mr. Chuck! It is so nice to be the opportunity to helping you with your famous bicycle racing and a most deepest pleasure to be of your assistance.

I am hearing that through a grapewine you vere having quite numerous difficulties with your abilities on the trial of time this weekend in Ephrata, United States - and I am offering you my deepest sorry that I was not able to be of your assistance before you pointed your bottom in the wrong direction!!! Oh Mr. Chuck!

I am now feeling so bad and wanting to be of assistance that I have assembled this instruction for you below! So please, be taking my recommendations, they are wery simple, apparently, but do not be taking them up the wrong end!

Number One Item, Mr. Chuck, please do be sure to lubricate your chamois well as you will be off for quite a long ride! Then please be kind to locate the arrows on the map! You will be be seeing the large red arrows that Mr. Red Rose Races of Pennsylvania has generously been offering to you - these are both the beginning and the end of your trial of timing! Surely you are knowing that the goal is to finish with the smallest digits, Mr. Chuck? Of course, I am quite sorry, but from what my supervisor has told me, you were more lost than a flea in his large sister's sari!

 

 

Number Two Item, Mr. Chuck, please do be most cautious about following the directions of the highly respected traffic personnel in the great nation of Pennsylvania! These esteemed gentle people have been reincarnated through numerous lifetimes for this moment to alleviate the suffering of you missing a most dreadful turn. You may cause many hurt feelings and there is no doubt that this gentle officer would shed many dripping tears if he were told of your incorrectness with direction!

 

 

 

 Number Three Item, Mr. Chuck, is the route of your trial of time that was conveyed to me most urgently by my supervisor, Mr. Vikram Chinabee, who was most upset with me for not offering you beautiful advice to you before your trial, Mr. Chuck! It is most clear where you went off course, Mr. Chuck!

 

 

 

Number Four Final Item, Mr. Chuck, is the most final and most dire warning sign that you are going to have a most lousy trialing time and finish further behind the most overeating Category Six elite bicycle racer which you may not aspire to be, Mr. Chuck!   I swear by Vishnu, Mr. Chuck, that if you ever see a man such as this riding during your time trial, wearing a tuxedo and riding backwards playing the a lovely tune on the violin, you are most CERTAIN to be going to wrong way, please turn around!  This is also found to be true if someone from the Club of the District Velo or the Capital Club is passing you, then surely you are heading the wrong way, as they will only be passing you on the way down the mountain from your rear end, and not going up it, Mr. Chuck!

 

 Mr. Chuck, I am hoping before I take off my headset to cool down after such hot race discussion that you have listened and heard me with your eyes and eyes, but also your heart!  Mr. Harley Davidson has told my supervisor what a champion you are, but that apparently you and a very large horse may have knocked your heads leaving you without some senses of directions and even taking to the town in pajammies! So please learn from this tips, Mr. Chuck!  I have been promised many fortunes from your winnings!